Let It Be Healed

A few hours before my 40th birthday some information was shared with me.  It was shocking and hurtful. I couldn't even sleep through the night because it weighed so heavy on my spirit.  I tried to go through so many scenarios to make some sense of it but there were none.  It is wrong on so many levels. It's selfish and it's mean.

I thought immediately that this was a direct attack on me. I spoke with my mom and she said at one point,  Monique, it may not even be about you. I spoke with my father, and he said people have been doing this kind of thing since the beginning of time. Honestly, that's not what I wanted to hear. But I knew they were trying to help me through a tough situation.   Point blank period I was like this is wrong, its nasty and vindictive!! I was dumbfounded!

I thought about it for a week whether I would even entertain blogging about it. Not to publicize the situation but my feelings about it.  But it was on my spirit to because someone else may need to know how to deal in whatever situation they may be going through.  I have to say it is a hard pill to swallow.

BUT I have learned through this situation and all the tough and very low situations before it that I AM MADE OF SOMETHING. God would not bring me to it if HE could not bring me through it.  "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him" (Job 13:15)  You don't quite know what you are made of until you've been under attack, through trial and tribulation.  You don't know how much you can endure or how much courage you have until pressure is applied to your life.

Some days you may feel like "will I make it through this mess?" "Why is this happening to me?" It's happening to you because you can handle it.   Sometimes its just the mess we need to save us.

You'll learn so many things as you mature and grow older, I hope. But one thing is for certain ... GOD IS WHO HE SAYS HE IS. Through all the disappointments, heartaches, bad decisions, regrets and sadness ... I am still here holding onto his word.  And so are you, my friend.  The bible says his grace is sufficient ... 

I have not always done the right thing. I've not always been the best daughter, sister or friend. I acknowledge that.  I'm not perfect. And I've been held accountable for my actions. But what  I do know at 40 years old that I am a good person and I am a strong person.   And throughout all the "not so good" the good definitely outweighs it.  Everyday, Im working on being a better me. And if that means going through some tough times ... then Im ready! Because GOD built me to handle whatever comes my way.

TD Jakes says don't let your flesh make decisions your head will have to deal with. If I am disciplined in my perspective then I will be victorious in my outcome.

Folks ... I've already won! 

Until Next Time ...   I know it hurts but  L E T   I T  B E   H E A L E D ...

Ready ... Set ... FORTY!!

The year was 1 9 7 4. It was January 3 around 10 in the evening at Providence Hospital in Washington, D.C. when a little light skinned baby girl with gray eyes and blond hair was born to two young kids named Frank "Duke" and Stephanie.  She would be the first grand baby girl to her fraternal grandparents, Frank "Frankie" and Sylvia "Peggy"  and the little sister to Everett, "Woo Woo".   That little girl was ME!

In just four days I will be embarking on a new decade of life. I will, by the grace of GOD be turning 40 years old.  Its pretty amazing to me that 40 years of my life have passed so quickly.  We as children want so badly to be grown and do things our older siblings or family are doing and before you know it we have reached the age of legality and soon after we have careers, are married, having children, becoming aunts and uncles, buying homes and taking care of our parents.  Life is coming full circle.

I have been so very blessed in my 39 years.  I've experienced happiness, sadness, disappointment, heartbreak, highs and lows.  Life is so amazing. Though, there is the inevitable ... death. I miss my family members and friends that have passed.  I miss them so much.  Its been over 20 years since my maternal grandmother's passing and I still grieve.  You never get over it.  Even loved ones you no longer have friendships with you miss them but everything is not meant to last forever.  Even in knowing that ... its so hard to let go of what once was.  These people were apart of your life for years and then they are just ... Gone.

I pray to GOD that he gives me strength in such situations. To help me get through knowing that everything will be OK. I imagine if I live another 40 years I will always be in prayer ... praying for some of the same things but thanking GOD for helping me through and living in the moment, appreciating what is now but thankful for what was as it has helped me become the person I am today.

WOW. 40! No one ever believes I'm as old as I am. Its pretty flattering but the reality is I am and I still have so far to go. So much more to learn.  So much more to do.  So much more to love.  So much more to see.  So much more to BE.  So many people don't make it this far so I have to believe that I'm still here for a reason.  I don't know when the Lord will call me home ... but I want HIM to say well done.  I don't want it to be any question that I didn't do my best while here on this earth. I don't want any regrets.

Thus far, I've been able to step out on faith and do the things I want to do. I bought a house. I quit my office job to become a professional full-time commercial actress and print model in New York City.  I let go of some relationships that weren't healthy.  I reconnected with some old friends and picked up with them as if we were never separated for 20 years. I've changed some of my ways and I've let go of letting other's people bull bother me. I'm still a work in progress ... whooo Lord... HELP ME!!! So much more I need to work on internally but I'm trying y'all.

I'm not married ... YET.  I don't have any children ... YET! Those things don't put me in a box but gives more to look forward to. All that GOD has promised for me is going to happen in HIS time.  Don't worry about whether I'm married, if I'm gonna have kids, or if I'm wealthy ... I'm HAPPY!!!  And I'm working on more HAPPY! The bigger picture is if I'm not already happy in my life none of those other things will make me.  I want those things to ADD to my happiness.  I don't want what others have ... I want what GOD has FOR ME!

I don't regret not settling for any guy because I NEED a man, I don't regret quitting my 9 to 5 job at 33 years of age because I NEED a job to pay my bills, I don't regret BEING HONEST with how I felt about how people have treated me, I don't regret NOT GIVING up in a business that can chew you up and spit you out, I don't regret not getting pregnant at a young age and being that "fly" momma when I'm 40 ... I'm gonna be fly at 60! Ya heard!

So everyone who is comparing themselves with others ... STOP IT!! #1 BE HAPPY that you woke up this morning with the breath of LIFE in you. #2 BE THANKFUL for the people who love you and are still around to tell you so #3 BE VULNERABLE.  It's the only way you will fully LOVE. Don't be scared about getting hurt or looking stupid. There's a blessing in the lesson. #4 BE YOURSELF! There will never be another you. Be true to the person GOD created you to be. #5 GO AFTER YOUR DREAMS ... I DON'T CARE HOW OLD YOU ARE! #5 THE DEVIL IS A LIAR #6 CRY UNTIL YOU FEEL BETTER #7 TAKE CARE of yourself. Mentally, Physically and Spiritually. Eat healthy and exercise. #8 BE KIND #9 PRAY #10 THANK GOD EVERYDAY, ALL THE TIME, WHEREVER YOU ARE.

I'm so thankful about what GOD has done for me! What HE is doing and will continue to do.  I am looking forward to new beginnings and a renewed sense of being in my 40's. I can't wait to share with you the good, the bad and the ugly. Let the journey begin!

Until then ... I wish you all a very Happy NEW YEAR!!! Praying PROSPERITY, LOVE, HEALTH AND PEACE for you in the New Year!!

Proverbs 4:10
Listen, my son, accept what I say, and the years of your life will be many. (NIV)

Proverbs 9:11
For through wisdom your days will be many, and years will be added to your life. (NIV)

FAST-Forward

Hey Blogger Family,

I know I know ... I have to do better at  posting.  The posts are few and far between but when I post I want it to be meaningful and really count for those of you who stop by to check in with whats going on with me.  Life is always happening ... whether I'm busy and being productive or I'm being lazy and watching television all day (unproductive).  Throughout the year a number of emotions settle in and sometimes I don't know if I'm coming or going.

The last two months I have been fasting.  I fasted in October and now I am currently fasting again.  I take on different sacrifice's. It could be anything.  Anything.  Mainly I try to choose things that prove to be a distraction or take up to much of my time unproductively. One year I fasted watching television for a week.  I got so much done including completing my website that I had procrastinated on starting for over a year. Got it done in two days.  Not to mention I was booking work like crazy! But more importantly it help me focus on more time with GOD. To hear his voice for guidance and wisdom, to focus on his word and what I needed to be doing personally and professionally.

I'm telling you y'all ... every time I fast ... GOD moves me FORWARD... ABUNDANTLY.  All of us experience periods of drought, discouragement, fear, craziness, sadness, regret ... all things negative to put us in a state of complacency and second guessing ourselves.  Sometimes I feel like I've accomplished nothing at all.  Like life is just standing still for me and I'm slowly sinking in a hole. But that's totally ridiculous, right? The enemy will trick you into believing that you are worthless, not important and a non-factor. The devil is a LIAR. I have so much to be thankful for and so do you.

We have so much going on that a lot of times we just don't take enough time to seek GOD's guidance. So when the tough times come, we just don't know how to deal.  It can be overwhelming. Friends and Family, if you are reading this today, it is time for you to dig deeper for your blessings.  GOD is blessing you anyway because if you are reading this HE woke you up this morning.  But HE desires a relationship with you so that HE can guide you, mold you, help you and most of all love you.  HE wants to see you succeed and grow. HE wants to take you to another level but you have to take your relationship with him to another level.

Last month I had a good run...I booked three jobs!!  It's mid-November and I have already booked two BIG jobs.  I'm shooting today and tomorrow and then I head to Tampa, Florida for another job that shoots on Friday. That's multiple jobs in ONE week.  If you are in my industry it is a big deal to have multiple jobs in one MONTH.  I'm also holding for another job that shoots next week.  We'll see how it goes. But I am already so very thankful for what GOD has done, is doing and will continue to do for me when I'm up and even when I'm down.  But the favor of GOD is upon me.  Hallelujah!!

Until Next Time ... If you want HIM to MOVE YOU FORWARD ... you have to sacrifice your wants ... to get what you need.  I'll be praying for you.

Restoration (Two-fold)

Hey Everyone,

Its been a good little while since I've written anything. No real excuse ... just life happening or lack thereof.  Being lazy and unmotivated.  Not good traits especially in the type of business I'm in. But I get tired. Tired of busting my butt, beating the pavement, smiling and profiling, and sometimes nothing seems to comes of it.

It doesn't matter how long you've been in the business you can still feel periods of disappointment, inadequacy, sadness, loneliness, depression and defeat. Sometimes it totally sucks!! But then again, it depends on how you look at things. And it also depends on what you're doing on a daily basis to keep thriving in the midst of of the drought. One of my favorite scriptures is, "Blessed are those who trust in the Lord. They are like trees planted along the riverbank with roots that reach deep into the water.  Such trees are not bothered by the heat or worried by long months of drought. Their leaves stay green, and they go right on producing delicious fruit." Jeremiah 17:7-8. Man doesn't that give you motivation? Pops you right out of that funk and lights some fire under you.

I always try to remain positive but honestly its hard when things don't seem to be going your way. But, I have to remember that things will only go God's way.  Instead of whats NOT happening, I need to focus on what's happening...right now! Im alive! Im breathing! Im healthy! I am still in this game over 6 years in! But if I'm not putting in the work, why should GOD bless me? I mean HE does in spite of but we still have to work hard to gain success. Whether that's working out so you can maintain your body or updating your marketing materials so people know you still exist. Being prepared!! Isn't that what the Bible teaches us? It prepares us for life. What to expect and how to handle it.

It is important that we focus on a genuine consistent relationship with GOD.  It is the key to any of the successes we will have in our lives. He wants your time more than anything. When you focus on HIM, you won't even focus on what you think is NOT happening enough for you. You'll just appreciate all the opportunities that are happening at that moment. And then BAM ... He opens up doors we thought would never be opened.

In realizing what I need to do career-wise, I am also realizing more that there are things I am still dealing with that I thought I wasn't.  Things that could be affecting success in my career but more importantly success in my life as a whole. I have been putting up a facade.  I still talk about situations that I thought I dealt with or were out of my system.  Although I'm not holding any grudges I have obviously not let go of the hurt that was accompanied by what happened.

I'm reading the Purpose Driven Life, a book I bought last year and never really quite got through.  So in the midst of all that I feel is NOT happening, I decided OK, its time for me to dedicate some time to reading this book. I must say it is helping me realize some things about myself and some things I need to change.  Success doesn't just come from your career achievements but how you achieve spiritual freedom by letting go of situations that have hurt you.

You've heard the saying, "You can forgive but you'll never forget". It's true. Somehow we will always have a piece of us that reminds us of how someone treated us...good or bad.  But apart of growing in the spirit is realizing that everyone makes mistakes. A lot of times we do things to others because we ourselves are hurting or dealing with stuff that causes us to act irrational, completely foolish or hurtful. It doesn't make it right but when you notice how a person that has hurt you, has grown and is working to change those behaviors, we must also work on changing our mindset.  Leaving those hurtful situations in the past can help us fully love one another.  GOD knows our hearts.  And no matter how we try to convince ourselves that we are over it, HE knows the real deal. So we must deal with it and heal it.  Being fake for the sake of trying to appear like the bigger person doesn't make the underlying problem go away.

I had totally written off some people because of how they treated me. Sure I forgave them, I prayed for them, I may have even still associated or communicated with them, but I was or still am...HURT.  I had decided that I'm just not going to deal with them on the same level because I was tired of being treated unfairly, being misunderstood and betrayed. I was tired of apologizing for how I may have made them feel, working on being a better person to them but still being treated in a way that made me feel uncomfortable.

Reading the Purpose Driven Life, has given me another level of healing from those situations.  A lot of times we want to just give up on people ... but really we can't. No we can't control how others act but we can choose to act in a way that is loving and consistent to God's standards. How we chose to act can totally change the mindset of someone. We are examples of God's love. And when God's love is growing inside of you and exudes through you, at some point, there will be a transformation. You will notice the change in them. But we have to be open to that change and stop living in the moments that they hurt us. Note, this change doesn't happen overnight.

I know y'all ... its hard. BUT GOD ... whoooo ... He can work some things out in you that no therapist or psychiatrist can pull you through. Yes, thank GOD for them, but in the end HE is the one who can change your entire outlook on a situation. People you thought you'd never talk to again are at your home or are on the other end of your phone.

As I begin to peel away the layers that are still holding me back from being completely free of anger and hurt, I feel so much lighter.  Some bruised relationships are taking a turn for the better and I see how my positive, loving energy is affecting them and, it makes me feel really good. It feels right.  I'm taking ownership of my crap and cleaning my house (my spirit).  In the book it says, "Relationships are worth restoring. Because life is all about learning how to love, God wants us to value relationships and make the effort to maintain them instead of discarding them whenever there is a rift, a hurt, or a conflict."

Life is so short.

I'm moving toward a new decade in my life and I just really don't want to go into it with the old stuff that doesn't bring me any joy. Old stuff that causes me to treat others in a way that's not nice or unkind.  I no longer want to be held hostage by the past.

Until Next Time ... I ask you two things, What do you need to do to restore your passion for your career? and ... Who do you need to restore a broken relationship with today?

Relatable Scripture: 
I am focusing all my energies on this one thing; Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead. (Philippians 3:13 NLT)

God has given gifts to each of you from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Manage them well so that God's generosity can flow through you. (1 Peter4:10-11 NLT)

Moving Forward ... Again

Moving forward was the Presidents slogan for his campaign this year.  But before the President made it popular, we've all been trying to do that since the beginning of time. Slavery, Racism, Inequality, Abuse, Failure, Disability, etc.   Moving forward isn't always as easy as it seems.  We can hype ourselves up about doing it, be good one day and then something triggers up that day, that time, those feelings from the past and we are right back campaigning in sorrow and defeat.

Time ...  does ... heal ...  all ... wounds.  It may take years, it may even be accompanied by some form of therapy but you will get to a point will you no longer want to wallow in that "stuff".  We may never forget the hurt of the past BUT GLORY, if you look for GOD, HE will find you. HE will remove it.  Just ask and HIS promises will be delivered.

It is an awesome splendor to have been somewhere so dark, cruddy and lonely and then you finally see progress...hope!!   A weight has been lifted, your heart has is awake and your life is shifting, your goals are aligning and all you see is how GOD has moved in your life. Where you were and how far you've come. You'll sit back and think, "I can't believe I even let that bother me!"

In the midst of tragedy, of hurt, of death, of failure, of distress and fear. HE is good. He is merciful and Almighty. *insert praise dance here* ;)

I pray that we all find comfort in the Lord through whatever we've been through, are going through and will go through.  Life doesn't stop until the "end" ... until then we must live in knowing that there is so much more than living in the past.

I pray that we all find healing, strength, courage, humor, love, peace, happiness and forgiveness.

Have a Wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year ... moving forward.

Thanks to everyone who has subscribed to or follows my blog.  Your support has been amazing.  And if I am able to help any one of you that read it, then I've done a good work.   I look forward to connecting with you in the New Year!!

Until then ... GOD BLESS YOU and YOUR FAMILIES.

P.S. TREAT YOURSELF, YOUR FRIENDS, YOUR FAMILY, STRANGERS ... BETTER. IT COUNTS IN SUCH A BIG WAY.

Too Much Advice?

This may be a continuous pain in the butt throughout your life.  Whether it hits you personally or to someone you know. Dealing with people who have no respect for you, who are unhappy about the things happening for you and will do everything in their power to make sure your life is as uncomfortable, sad and negative as their own.  These are wealthy people, beautiful people, people who may have some really good things happening in their lives but all the good that is happening for you is the bane of their existence.

This is a person who has even helped you in a time of need, let you cry on their shoulder, maybe even helped you out financially. But even with all they have done for you, and lets just add you've done some really awesome, from the heart, because you love this person things for them as well, does not constitute them treating you like crap. NOTE: This is abuse.

Of course throughout the years you grow to the love this person but while you are steady growing they are steady on some other sh*t! Excuse my language.  But it really is more effective.  What do you do? When do you say enough is enough.  When do you say, hey I love you, but I love me more and this just ain't working out.

A friend of mine called me last night about a friendship that has been offering her nothing but disappointment on a sliver platter.  So me being a seasoned veteran in this area...LOL... no but its really not funny, I was there to hear her out and try to give her some sound advice.

While offering my advice, and this happens often, I revert back to a situation that happened to me.  In doing this, am I re-living the situation? Am I still hurt about it? Must I always use those situations as examples to get my point across? I mean I've managed to keep my head above the crap and have been able to move passed it ... I think?

Whatever it is, after I've finished the conversation, I always feel like now why did I bring that back up? Like, was it necessary?  My advice should be based on how I rose above it right?   Maybe in all my advice giving, I never really figured out after you decide to move past the relationship,  how do you move past what the person did?  Is that even possible? You may forgive but you never forget.  Maybe I'm over-reacting. Maybe its just an honest effort to help the person understand why I had to make the decision to not be friends with this person any longer.  People do some F'd up stuff man! NO I'M NOT PERFECT.  But some stuff you should never do.  I'm just saying. I digress.  

Maybe talking about it is a part of my healing process.  I don't know.  But it'd sure be awesome to be able to just zap all the bull crap that ever happened to you from your memory right?  But then how would we be able to help others?  Everyday all of us are going through situations to strengthen us, to help us grow and to help someone else. But does it mean they have to know every detail about how you got there? Geesh, I got 99 questions and a answer for none. LOL.

Well what I will work on is focusing on what it is the other person needs and not what I think I need to promote for them to understand why they should ultimately, make the decision that is best for them.  Now suppose they ask you what happened? Well, really all they need to know is that hey, that person did some things that were not cool, very unfriendly and I had tomake the clear decision to start a new chapter ... without them.   You will always remember what they did, and it may take some time to let that part go of deciding to forgive them, but over time, it will become less of a detailed chapter in your life.

Until Next Time ... Remember not everybody deserves the luxury of your friendship.

What a Week!

The last five days have been a roller coaster of emotions.  After a long lull, GOD blessed me with a big booking.  It shot in Raleigh, North Carolina with an amazing cast and crew.  The Friday before I was to leave for Raleigh I learned a friend lost her baby.  I was in such shock.  She just had a baby shower and I even got a chance to rub her belly.  And in one instance ... the baby is lifeless. Not even a chance to enter this world and grow up to be a toddler, a kid, a teen, an adult.  A baby not to be nurtured by his mother but by the Father.  One could think it may be a better place to be instead of in this cruel corrupt world. To grow up in the Kingdom can only be a special privilege, right?  To never have sinned, to have your heart broken or experience a loved one's death.  I can't imagine what she must be feeling.

Then this past Saturday, I lost my grandmother who was 82 but had been ill for sometime.  She suffered from a neurological disease that caused her body to shut down. She was bed ridden for years and for the last year she was being fed through a feeding tube.  Over the years, I watched how her body deteriorated but amazingly how her mind was still sharp.  Although she was immobile and could hardly speak, at least clearly, when I would come to visit her, she always greeted me with a big smile.

I saw her a week before she passed and I got to see that big ole smile one more time.  Through her thick full head of salt and pepper gray hair that stayed in a pony tail and her flawless skin, I saw that she was tired.  Something definitely felt different this visit.  Something in her eyes and her breathing was accompanied by a groan. Like she was fighting to breath.  Maybe I sensed the end was near.  Saturday, October 24th, 2012 she went home.

I am at peace with her death. For some reason it seems easier to mourn the elderly. I mean 82 years is a long time to be here on earth. We can only hope that we make it as far and in good health.  But I feel joy and relief because she is no longer suffering. She no longer has to lay in that bed with her feet and toes bent in different directions, with her neck slumping over or bed sores consuming her body. No more being fed some beige liquid through a tube and being washed from a pan.  She's got her wings and a brand new body ... eternal life.

On Monday, October 26, 2012 Hurricane Sandy ripped through the Northeast like a Tasmania devil.  Ruining hundreds of homes, costing many lives and leaving a lot with no power. Sandy pretty much shut two states down. It's three days later and some still have no electricity, including me.  The client flew us all out on Sunday morning so that we could beat the storm.  So I was not at my home in Jersey to experience the storm or the aftermath and because of my grandmothers passing I was flying to Maryland which hadn't experienced the same amount of destruction as New Jersey and New York.

People have lost homes, loved ones, and memories. No one imagined that Sandy would be this devastating.

I woke up this morning, Thursday, November 1, to head to the airport to go home to Maryland and I learned my dear friend lost her fight to breast cancer.  I ... cannot ... believe ... this ... I only knew my friend for maybe a year or so but she touched my life greatly.  I knew that she was battling cancer but with her vigor for life, her positive attitude, her beautiful smile, her confidence and strength ... she was incredible ... you would have never known this illness was eating her up inside. I loved this girl.

As I write this, I just continue to shake my head because I just can't wrap my head around it.  She left behind two children. This was just so unexpected ... for me anyways. For a lot of us, really. She just celebrated her 37th birthday. Maybe she didn't want us to worry or be wrapped up in her fight.

But we were just getting started.  We had accumulated so many memories already. We spent the holidays together. We brought in 2012 together. Who would have thought two months shy of another new year, she would be gone. 

Death is so final ... on this side anyways.  I will miss the fact that I won't meet my friends first baby. I will miss my grandmother.  I will miss my friend. But by God's grace, I will see them again.  Yes, it hurts that I can't just pick up the phone and call my friend or get in my car and go visit my grandmother, but they are no longer suffering.  No one wants to live in physical pain.  The pain we feel is intense right now, and we will still hurt, but it does it get better.  My grandmother and Rina were not going to be healed on this side so they had to move on.   I have to be at peace with that.

We are confident, I say, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord.  - 2 Corinthians 5:8

For those who are going through trying times right now because of the storm, be thankful that you still have your life.  You can get new homes, new clothes, new material things ... replacements.  You can even make new memories. It may take some time, it may even seem impossible, BUT GOD, you will get there, you will get through.

Until Next Time ... Cherish your family, your friends, your experiences ... because in the blink of an eye they can be taken away from us and then all we have to cherish is our memories ... Make them great! Make them count!  I pray for peace, for recovery and healing for us all.